Unrequited Love

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Unrequited love. There I said it. But before I go into why, let’s talk about the basics.

How do you know you love someone? It’s a subjective question that changes from every person you ask. It could be because they make you feel secure, because they make you feel less alone, maybe just because they make everything that much better? Perhaps you don’t even know why but you just do, you just love them; it’s 100% unconditional. Whatever it is, it’s something that you feel. It’s not rational, it can’t be measured and the worst part about it is that it’s very much something that you can’t control. Or can you?

A good friend of mine drove himself near next to mad, back to sanity, to deeply depressed then to somehow getting through the days. He at times, is insanely consumed by the love that he has, has felt and still feels for his (now) ex-boyfriend. I look at him during the times of his, what can only be described as, empty fulfilment of love; knowing that he loves someone so deeply and so desperately but knowing that it no longer exists as a mutual exchange between himself and the person he was once with; not in the way that it used to. It’s painful yet at the same time all inspiring.

The thing is, no matter how hard you try, no matter the extent of your vocabulary you can’t explain love. Looking up ‘What is love?’ I found, “Love is a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We talk about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no control over it. But then, that is not so surprising since love is basically chemistry”. It carries on explaining that love induces the body to release pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. What sticks with me is that: Love. Is. Permanent.

It could be that love has played a role in human evolution and with all this chemistry and uncontrollable feelings it contributes to a natural human instinct; to communicate, to mate… to love?

Whatever love is, it’s either there or it’s not, which brings me back to my original opening: Unrequited love. Simply this is the type of love that is not precipitated; the love that is the most unconditional for the simple reason that there is no option but for it to be unconditional, a one sided love affair.

I can’t bring this into conversation without admitting that I have been in this situation. If at all it is a situation? I fell in love with a straight friend… How stupid could I have been? To be perfectly honest I describe it as a painful sense of being that haunts every minute, of everyday and every breath. It’s like sharp nails piercing your very insides and taunts your mind between the bliss of happiness and an empty loneliness. Wiki How-to do everything apparently has the answers in these few easy steps:

  1. Accept that romantic love isn’t usually a conscious decision.
  2. Eradicate any sense of neediness.
  3. Distance yourself.
  4. Enjoy being single.
  5. Practice unconditional love.

Is it really that easy? I wish I had the answers but all I can think to write is that unrequited love is like a break up, however you’re longing for something you never had. As painful as it may be you have to look at all of the scenarios. Though it may seem romantic, being upfront and telling the recipient of your affections may easily result in the adverse desired response. I say go with your gut, be selfless, do what is right and remove yourself from the equation. Weigh up what you have to lose over what you have to (realistically) gain. The majority of the time the answer probably lies in keeping your lips sealed and moving on.

I kept my lips sealed tight. It’s the moving on I struggled with.

Share your stories and thoughts in the comments below. Should you share the feelings you have or not, or have you been in this situation before?

Ryan ❤

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First love and first love’s first kiss!

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Oh Cher you plastic wonder you were so right, so so right! How can you tell if he loves you so? Shoop shoop (it’s in his kiss)! As those mermaids dance around I got to thinking about kisses, first kisses and that feeling that makes you go… Do me!

I remember my first kisses 1. My first reeal kiss with my high school sweetheart on my 17th Birthday and 2. With my first boyfriend, my first real crush and my first ever pash sesh with a guy! Let’s skip the first drunken make-out, albeit very cute it was with a girl and I don’t date the ladies anymore (or not really in the first place). I want to share how my heart stopped and my world changed, how one kiss moved me!

How the night came to be I can’t recall but what I do know is I had been drinking premixed vodka cans, I was partially drunk off my tits and extremely flirtatious. My best ever friend had come out as a lesbian only a few weeks earlier and empowered by her guts and bravery I had come out (mostly) as well! Side note: Not all homos are lesbee-haters, I love lesbians and some are very best friends! My best mate was cranking the make-out Mandy with her GF and we managed to get to the GF’s house from where ever we were killing brain cells previously.

Important point: the GF’s best friend was tall, skinny, tanned skinned, had a sexy white smile and a gorgeous butt… Oh, and he too batted for the bent team!

So we made it to the house. With music playing faintly in the background and the stereo lights beaming into my eye I lied there, silently on the floor mattress with my soon to be first love lying next to me. The silence and tension deafened me, how could I muster the courage to kiss this guy? I want to but… The probable seemed instantly impossible. Time passed as though someone had pressed slow motion and the soap opera of my situation was near next to a pause. I rolled over, feeling his breathe against my lips and quietly yet forcefully I mustered up the courage and said “Are you going to kiss me or are we going to lie here awake all night?”. Much to my surprised delight he leaned forward and I felt his lips slowly caress mine. Softly and carefully, I knew he meant every motion. As I tasted the apple UDL I recall how right it felt, how much I had wanted it. He was my first kiss and first real love.

So what makes a good kiss? Consensus  is, maybe it’s easier to identify a bad kiss… Here’s some points we came up with my new Melbourne friends:

  • Too much saliva.
  • Too much tongue.
  • Teeth clashes.
  • General incompatibility/lack of synchronisation.
  • Bad breath.
  • Invasive tongues ninjaing your tonsils.

To me the perfect kiss comes from more than just a movement. It’s a sense of want, passion, desire and sensuality.  Some of the best kisses I’ve ever played part in have been with people were ‘it just works’. A good kiss is a feeling, an action that could make you skip a heart beat or just make you want more.

Today I flew into the lively Melbourne City and though I’m not staying too long. Here’s hoping I must just have that elusive  perfect kiss… Or better yet, it might just be waiting for me at home?

Ryan ❤

Make or Break

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In dating and relationships there’s what we call ‘deal breakers’. The cards that are called, played out and then you fold from the game; cash out and without second thought sprint home before too much becomes invested and you end up emotionally bankrupt. These deal breakers are essentially situations, personality traits or values and beliefs that are completely non-negotiable.

For me, I refuse to date someone with any from of drug dependency. 420 on your Grindr profile… Mate you’re going to love smoking a Bong more than you’re going to love me. Sure that’s not always entirely true of the prospective person and is judgmental on my behalf but regardless of the assumption there’s no room for movement. Don’t have a job? Not studying? Totally living off the dole? Awesome, I bet you’ll have a fabulous relationship… With someone else! Or likely still, with your PlayStation and porn collection. Want to preach your religion to me in consistent converting attempts? No thanks, I’m pretty content with my beliefs and while I’m open to other views, I’m not open for mine to be shifted aside and negated as utterly wrong.

It’s harsh. Deal breakers can be nasty and may even seem superficial but that’s why every date and every relationship is different from person to person and couple to couple. To me a relationship is an ongoing negotiation between the two involved, constantly working to fit their ever evolving lives together for: love, honesty, trust, loyalty and an equal sense of commitment.

One of the greatest make or break venues of the 21st Century arose from the Swedes. Hitting the globe in a bigger than Jeff Stryker sort of way, IKEA is making AND breaking relationships with every sale of their contemporary mass produced home goods, food and furniture.

What’s unique about IKEA is their ability to reduce customers to a Metropolis kind of conforming utopia. Follow the pathways, view the displays, write down your intended purchases, grab some nick-knacks (seemed like a good idea but you’ll never use them), that odd shaped lamp you simply MUST have and head out to the warehouse to grab your furniture then finally pay and leave. They’ll even feed you at a reasonable price! (Beware the meatballs). Flat packed, organised convenience and home decorating bliss, right? WRONG! Relationship hell!

In a testy relationship your best bet is to completely avoid IKEA. Don’t get me wrong there’s every chance you and youIKEA Fightr beloved can roll through the Swedish motions and come out on top but take a moment and simply watch couples around you. You’ll see veins popping in bedding area, frowns burning into foreheads in the the organisational solutions department and relationships crumbling the kitchen section. But why you have to ask? IKEA is a large store, it’s easy to lose your partner – argument, there’s so much choice – argument and you always seem to go home with more than you intended – argument. IKEA tests our abilities to negotiate, communicate and reason. This shopping experience offers an opportunity for your best and worst attributes to be on show, on show in plain view just as the furniture is that your shopping for.

To ice the relationship cake: IKEA promote their customers to put together their furniture themselves. This apparently makes for better priced goods but what are you really gambling when you opt to assemble furniture with a loved one? Proceed at your own risk because I for one have had at least two arguments in as many relationships that did not end delightfully… Who knew grown up Lego could be so vicious?

However you come to realise those elements that could make or break your relationship the important notion to remember is why you fell in love with them in the first place. What was it about that person that surpassed all your initial deal breakers? Don’t let the Swedish break your heart like so many couples in the past. My advice is go in with a game plan, work together and battle your way through the devilish home furnishing store. If you can beat IKEA, I think you can beat just about anything.

Ryan ❤

Tick Tock

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I feel like I’m getting old. I remember when I was only 8 or 9 looking to my sister thinking “wow, she’s so grown up”. She lives with her boyfriend, works all the time, can have a drink and drives a real car! Realistically she’s was only 18/19 at the time! This year I hit 26; an uneventful 26 where to be honest, the uneventfulness sadly hasn’t phased me because I really don’t enjoy my birthday. In fact, I would go so far to say I wish I didn’t have to celebrate it at all.

Old picture of RyanNow at 26 I may do all the same things my sister did when she was 19 (except live with or even have a boyfriend) but I don’t feel grown up like I naively thought she was, just old… Maybe it’s because I dropped out of university lack a sense of accomplishment, maybe because I earn more money but am silly enough get into more debt? Perhaps it’s because I’m single and not just enjoying it like I see others do? Whatever the reason may be, I stop at a notion of judgemental comparison. I look at 19 years olds and think GROW UP!

Ironically I think I’m actually jealous of 19 year olds. In the same way a 36 year old would tell me, I see a world of possibility in those younger than I. As much as I want them to grow up I actually just want be younger. Maybe all the things I wish we’re different in my life wouldn’t be as they are if I were granted a do-over?

With age comes maturity…To some extent at least. It gets to a point where you just have to grow up. My sister sometimes looks to the serenity prayer:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”

Not because she’s religious (gosh she sins as much as me!) but because the prayer is right. We have to realise that we simply cannot change the past. We can however learn from it to build a brighter future. Well doesn’t that sound like a politicians wank? … “Build a brighter future”.

Following my train of thought I see no option but to press on. Leave the past behind me and open myself to this supposed bright future. I know I’m still sounding wanky but here’s hoping I’ll move past the envy of being younger, stop hating on 19 year olds and appreciate I’m not that old after all. Maybe then, something great will happen and it’ll all makes sense in retrospect. That’s wisdom right?

Here’s hoping.

Ryan ❤

Everything will be ok!

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Firstly, I’m sorry. It’s been longer than usual but I’ve finally bitten the bullet and found the time to write a new entry. You see so much is happening right now and I’ve found it hard to concentrate. Not just on writing but even just getting through the day.

I met a guy about a week ago, we talked and I shared with him my blog. After reading a few entries over a drink and the thumping archaic music of the bar we were at he turned and asked, “how can you be so optimistic to think the perfect person is out there for all of us?” See that very night he had bound together all of his courage to meet a guy, a cute Irish boy that seemed so… possible. Five minutes after meeting, the Irish boy was off scurrying around socialising on a mission he explained as “his calling to bring people together”. Reassuring my new friend, I told him not to give up and that when the time is right and when he probably least expects it, things wills just ‘happen’.

In that moment I came to the realisation that right then, in that very sentence I had spoken the words of a once told fairy tale. Happily ever after doesn’t always happen, some people really do die alone and sometimes ‘the one’ just isn’t the one! With that said I truly believe we all need a bit of a lie to live by because sometimes it gives us a little faith to keep on trying. I’ve not always been such a positive person; someone with a never ending barrel of hope or a bag of happiness as deep as Mary Poppins’. Even to this day a darkness inside me can take hold and divert my attention away from the notion that “everything will be OK”. Everything will be OK. We just have to give it time.

Scrolling through the notes on my smartphone, fishing for a little inspiration I came across something I had written some 18 months or so ago. Like piece of darkness I carry around me, it’s a reminder of the bleak outlook I once had on life and love and the conceivable prospect of being… alone:

“Sadness is a deep consuming emotion. I used to think that if I stood in the mirror and smiled enough that I could walk away and somehow feel cured of this feeling. Now all I see is a face that resembles someone I used to know, a face lying to world.

Deep down I know I have a kind heart. It beats to tell me I’m alive but I’m not living. My good intentions it seems will kill me. All I want from this life is to feel that I have contributed something meaningful so whoever walks this earth after me does not feel empty or alone. However good my intentions are, it is apparent they are worthless.

I walk the streets and observe the people around me, rushing past each other taking no notice of one another’s existence. As people we ache to feel important, loved, to belong. I see these people walk by and I know we’re all deeply alone.

Loneliness is the deepest of sadness’s. When you feel alone there’s no one to tell, no one to understand, no one to help you; words echo as though said in an empty room.

I feel that I cannot be helped and that right now, this is it. Sure it can always get worse but the universe refuses for anything to get better. No matter how hard I try, nothing changes. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe, I don’t want anything to change. Perhaps this sadness, is all I have left.”

This was a low point for me; a timely reminder that not every day, every week is always full of light and positivity. I’m happy to say that though I am still single, though every day is not as easy as the fairy tales make them out to be, I’m still giving it a go hoping for the right person to come along . Even if they don’t, it’s OK because truth be told that ‘sadness’ is not all I left, I’m not alone and I could be helped. I’ve even found new ways to leave my footprints in the sands of life.

To anyone that feels like it’s all too hard. To anyone who feels alone. Don’t. You are not alone and never lose hope. Everything will be OK.

Ryan ❤

NB If you feel alone, don’t feel like you can talk to anyone or are having suicidal thoughts please call Lifeline 13 11 14 or you local suicide prevention hotline. There is always someone you cares. You are not alone!